i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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