I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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