My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
