im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
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Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
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i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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