I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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