Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
