I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
