um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
