you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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