Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
