so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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