When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
