he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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