A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
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I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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