either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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