not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
