Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
