i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
