Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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