1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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