is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
