i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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