nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
