So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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