Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
