you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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