he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She told me I should be a condom model.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
