My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.