Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
