Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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