I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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