I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
