You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
