that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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