well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
