final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
