What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
