just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
