so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
