dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
