i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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