I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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