if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
