if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
