mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
