I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
