Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
