I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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