you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
