She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
