Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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