The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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