she was so not down for the gang bang
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
