Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
