i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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