I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
